Today, for the first time in well over a decade, I stopped wearing my grandmothers wedding band.
It was left to me when she passed away at the ripe old age of 102.
I've always loved it, not only because of it's sentimentality, but because it's a lovely, simple, comfortable piece of jewellery.
I always thought that if I ever lost my better judgement and decided to marry some unsuspecting fool, I'd continue to wear it, [just on the other hand]
In fact, there was a time when I wore the band on my left hand, to see if people even took note of that sort of thing.
The women at the bank did...
When I departed for a six month around the world trip, they asked,
'Is your husband going with you?'
In more recent years, I have wondered, [even though I wear the band on my right hand] if people think I am married.
Apparently the Greeks and The Swedes wear their wedding bands on their right hand.
For some time I hid behind the ring, feeling it offered me some sort of protection.
Well today, after months of thought about who I am searching for in this life, I decided to cease wearing the ring.
It was a hard decision. Not only has it become part of my being, [attached to me if you will] but it has provided comfort, security, laughs, and memories.
I'm not sure what I am going to wear in its place...I don't imagine anything else, could ever fit quite so well.
I am not ready.
I am not prepared.
[I have no desire to be]
On my birthday, my head will remain crowded with useless thoughts and things I believe precious.
I will continue to live three parallel lives.
One for me,
one for you,
one for them.
It will exhaust me.
I may never stop doing this, believing that acceptance is half the battle.
I still don't completely know who I am, and I think that's ok.
What I do know, is that I am a work in progress...
I don't know that I'll ever feel my age, because I don't know what my age is supposed to feel like.
Tomorrow I will be 35 years-old.
I am single, loved, healthy and fortunate.
I am also the happiest I have been in close to a decade...and that's a serious birthday gift.
Oui
My empty glass
causes me to think.
To miss, to care, to feel,
to sink.
Dot my i's and cross my t's
cos in my head,
you'd like to see.
Pause.
Frown.
Think.
Stop.
I wonder what it is that is going on in the universe at the moment.
Things seem a bit back-to-front.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining,
I'm just curious.
I've lost my communication skills.
I'm drawn to something different.
My powers are fading.
Friends are becoming acquaintances.
Acquaintances are becoming friends.
Smiles are more powerful and frowns are being ignored.
And still,
my life is great.
Salt and smiles,
you shall be mine.
In time,
you shall be mine.
I like to punish myself,
make life uncomfortable,
keep my heart rate up
without exerting myself.
We share a birthday,
he and I.
The boy who chased me on the beach,
with fistfuls of seaweed.
He wrote,
'SMILE cos it feels good'
in ink on my left arm.
Then, drew a smiley face on my palm.
But, he shouldn't have done that,
that end of the day thing.
Now he's stuck in a part of my brain,
not ready to be occupied.
You inspire me,
but I am not inspired to write about you.
There's no such thing as
black or white,
yes or no,
here or there,
yours or mine,
better or worse,
rise or fall,
Love or hate.
Future or past.
These lies distract you,
because all there is,
is
now.
I'm not sure if it was too soon
to talk of current lovers,
but I am far too curious for my own good.
It stung and ached,
cut and bruised,
but I liked it
because,
with cuts and bruises come healing.
